Here is the conversation I had recently when I couldn't sleep. Just wanted to post it so that I don't lose it.
A: Oi! why wake us up in the middle of the night... zzzz...
B: What's up? Something wrong?
Me: Cannot sleep lor.... sigh
B: What can I do for you?
A: Aiyoh, sure about her again...
Me: Haha. Yes...
B: What's up?
A: Need to guess meh?
Me: Haha.. Yea... just feel like crap
B: I thought you've moved on?
A: Told you already still don't want to follow.
B: Oi, give some help la...
A: Help what? He himself don't want to help
B: When love take controls, sometimes ppl don't think straight
Me: I have to agree with 'B'. I just wish that I can unwind everything. I've done quite a number of mistakes to her.
A: Remind me on who's the one being hurt. You or her?
B: Shut up la... Don't have to put salt on the wounds.
A: Wake UP la! It's not going to happen. Just move on
B: Aren't we supposed to help him achieve that?
Me: That would be greatly appreciated
B: We all make mistakes, if she'd forgiven you and you her, what's there to feel guilty
A: She's a bitch!
Me: SHUT UP! OMG! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT! She's one of the most perfect girl compare to all that I've met.
A: Just trying to help you move on...
B: I think 'A' should keep quiet for a while. If you look from her point of view, she did nothing wrong. You simply misinterpreted some signals.
Me: Yea guess so. Guess I have to crash and burn this time. I've had enough of living my life in a dream. There is no such thing as happily ever after with some girl. The movies, series and TV all tell lies. There is no fallen star or some one true love waiting.
A: That's why they're called fiction. You really think you can find someone so right/perfect? And you really think that's her? Omg!
Me: Yea.
B: Just let time heal the pain
A: OMG! Time? The last one barely healed. If not, I still think its there. I know three is a good number, but I don't think you can take another man. Bzzzz. You wake me up for this?
B: Aiyah, what to do? You want to condemn him or help him?
A: Tell you what, since you mentioned about the close door policy last time, do just that. Shut the door to everyone. Push people back before they get a chance to hurt you.
B: Hey, how is that going to achieve anything?
A: Well you wouldn't get hurt.
Me: That's kinda true actually. It's not that hard to implement.
B: Don't listen to him. You've been saying that you did not have enough social life. Don't close up just over some small issue.
Me: If everytime I open up, my heart shatters into a billion pieces, no thank you.
A: Tsk tsk tsk. Look at him, collecting all the little pieces together barely able to make it back to one piece.
B: Well that's where we're supposed to help. Unfortunately, I don't have much experience and neither do you, 'A'.
A: I still think they are a waste of time. Focus on your other goals, like you said last time. House, car (s), technology, etc.
B: I used to remember family has a higher precedence than all that.
A: You have to say something to remind him of that right? Now who's helping?
Me: Lol, no need to argue la. I guess 'A' is right. I should pick myself up, do whatever I can and also not forgetting God to help me through this time of trouble.
B: That's the spirit! We'll be helping you too! :) And yea. Sorry to remind you of that, but I really don't think you should not do the close door policy. Alter it a bit so that it's not so closed but rather set guards at your emotions and heart so that its not so open.
Me: Wouldn't that just make me less transparent or less of myself? My idea is that if I don't meet anyone, they won't be hurt but for the people I meet, I open up completely and I expect them to do the same. Just that this time, I think I kinda overstepped my boundaries and expected a bit too much since we kinda barely know each other.
A: All the alarms was blazing. You just shut them off.
B: It won't make you any less transparent. But yea, you did shut the alarms.
Me: Haha yea. Should have paid more attention to that. Really thought it might work. Could have been the pressure from the commitment since it's ending really soon. Everyone has a gf or is getting married.
B: But you know true love waits.
A: Haha.. funny... isn't it time and tide waits for no man.
Me: Hmm.... interesting... but i don't think that works for love. I think that for love to work, it has to be 2 way. If she's never attracted to you, it's going to be difficult, if not impossible as it would seem that you'll be doing all you can to attract her and it will seem that you're trying to buy her love.
B: Ahh, now that you mention it, that's quite true.
Me: So in essence, if you have no looks, money or ambitions to attract someone or turn someone's head, it would probably not work. The only possible way is to have the inner beauty shining out so bright that others will get attracted to it. But it's hard as not many have that and that's why I think it's not going to work out for me.
B: Err... I don't agree the last part. You're way better than that!
A: Just focus on work la.
Me: Guess so... I guess it really ruined my confidence level.
B: All can be build up. Give it some time.
A: Talk about time, I want to sleep already. Omg...
Me: Haha. Me too! I don't want to waste the weekend away man.
B: Just don't think so much. We'll help you.
A: Please don't wake me up this late... zzz
Me: Thanks guys. Pray for me. I'll try not to disturb you. Haha!
B: No probs
Me: I'll post this conversation on the blog ok?
A: Ok.
B: Will it be offensive to some people? 'A' did say something bad about her.
A: I was merely helping him to move on. Ok, I don't mean it anyway.
Me: Well, I think it's ok. I didn't agree on your statement anyway.
B: Well, then I think its ok too. Go ahead.
If you've read the whole conversation, I'll have you know that the whole conversation was created in my head on Saturday night when I couldn't sleep. A and B are just a representation of my conscience.
Oh my, have I gone mad by talking to myself? Will I have a split personality like Gollum/Smeagol? I don't know. God, help me...
Anyway feel free to leave any comments. Just don't leave any destructive comments or say anything bad about her and stuff. Love is always uplifting never destroying.
9 comments:
David go there!!!
Hahah you really need someone to smack you back to reality...ahahah dont go crazy man..take it easy real easy..
lol... so cute de convo within urself.
One thing I've learnt.. if u're not ready to be hurt/be dissapointed, then you're not ready for a relationship.
A much as one don't wanna ever hurt anyone, esp the person he or she loves, that's kinda unrealistic. 'Cuz when 2 close ppl interacts, none of them are similar in all ways (thoughts, behaviours, motives, goals, perception about things...).
Give urself time to heal. Don't rush it. The more you rush it, though its painful, the more you're just trying to sweep it under the carpet instead of dealing with it. Therefore, u might actually bring the prob to the next relationship u hv. Yes, we've gotta move on, but don't la pressure and push urself until u torture urself.
Try as best as you can to live each day and look towards the promises of God for you. He knows what is best for you... and He knows who to provide for you. Keep reminding urself, that certain things just happen for a reason... and we don't have to understand it all. Can ask God later, when you meet Him :)
So yeah, remember don't push urself too much, or u'll kinda end up pushing her away as well, and the friendship also.. bleah.. so give it time la. Do what is necessary to cool it down.
Love is not self seeking
sometimes hurts badly...
but...I guess if there's no room for love, then life would be meaningless as well...
May god heal ur hurts and build u up again :)
Take care
blury d: Lol! Not really going crazy la... haha.. But the reality smack thing is quite needed me thinks
starlightliz: You hit it spot on :) I'm not sure also if i'm pushing her away or not. As for the torturing myself part, hmm... I don't really see it that way...
sarah ong: Thanks for the encouragement :)
3 comments in the span of 7 hours or so... I think that's a new record :) Thanks people :)
Dude, take it easy. Time to heal time to recover and time to make things seem less crazy.
Take it easy, don't ever lose hope and continue to build that confidence in yourself alright?
Yo david been a long time since i last heard from you. This is Mark O. anyway, i read ur msg on liz's blog and decided to drop by to see whats so interesting about it. N I have to say, it is interesting and it's perfectly normal to do that.
Anyway, about your situation, I don't know the entire thing but from what I've read, I can tell enough to say that You don't really know this girl that well yet or not that long yet (correct me if I'm wrong).
One thing I've learn (from experience and from others much older than I am) from the love thing, is that you are right, if you try to impress her, then it's like your "buying" her love. Then the question rise to what happens after that? What happens after she knows you as a person? Who you really are?
Be her friend without any strings attached. Treat her like you would your friends. Maybe a little extra special. Be there when she needs someone. Basically be the best friend she can have but also be yourself. That is how you let your personality to stand out.
Please note that, even if you do that and be nice to her, make sure you know ur boundaries. And whatever happens, whether she like u after that or not. Don't ever treat her any differently and most IMPORTANT of all, NEVER run away from her - because she's still a friend.
Goodluck and all the best! God bless!
mark: Thanks :) Am still learning to build the confidence back up
amrod: Yes I still know who you are. And yes I don't really know this girl well enough to start anything solid. I crossed some lines i shouldn't have crossed and I'm now a little lost. But it's ok, things are getting better daily. And yea, running away won't do nothing and like someone earlier said, it's merely sweeping dirt under the carpet.
Hey Dave,
There's no such thing as a happily ever after fairytale ending for me and for those who found it, I HATE THEM. Some people are lucky to have it handed to them on a platter unlike some of us who either have to fight for it, look for it or simply just give up.
I kinda like your closed door policy though.
Mischique: Hey, thanks for the comment. Yea, there is no such thing as depicted in series like hong kong series or korean drama where the girl likes a guy more.
We all know for a fact that the guy must always initiate, there is no such thing as the girl trying to do everythign to be with some guy they like. In a funny twisted way of the world now, it does seems that the guy tend to be the one who is hurt more than the girl as they get more and more educated about guys and how what to do to avoid falling into depression etc etc. Setting boundaries, play with guys instead of settling down with one and get tied up. Cause they think that they're young and deserve some fun instead of being tied quickly and become a baby making factory. I just think that in the times now, it's really hard if not impossible to find someone. Only when they think that their beauty is fading and time is running out will they want to quickly settle down.
As for the closed door policy, as much as I like the idea, I think it won't work if one does not have a strong enough friends support to do it. Eventually the person will be too lonely and if he/she loses his/her purpose in life, there is nothing else but suicide. Not really a good ideal but the push ppl back before they hurt you thingy has some merit.
And no, I don't have an Evo and I don't want to crash myself onto a tree. Lol! :)
I wish us both all the best in finding our so called "one true love" Haha!
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